I might have just realized that one of the reasons why I keep myself so busy is to keep my mind occupied and away from overthinking and dwelling on past events. But since I was so productive today, once again my mind wanders to a place usually reserved for late night heart to hearts or alcohol-induced conversations.

I keep finding comfort in solitude. When I have too many obligations on my shoulder, when my sleep deprivation causes me to be annoyed at anything in my line of sight, when there seems to be no source of motivation, I find comfort by locking myself away physically and mentally from the world. This is how I coped as a kid, this is how I cope now. I guess there are certain aspects of a person that you just can’t change. Although I accept this fact, I can’t help but think that this somehow affects my ability to connect with other people. It’s hard for me to tell a person how much I really appreciate them, and because of my natural tendency to walk away when things aren’t all lovey-dovey, I come across as emotionless, heartless.

Still to this day, I have never looked either of my parents in the eye and told them how much I respect and admire them. I just can’t do it. Instead I respond with anger and frustration. My mom calls me occasionally just to check up on me, yet sometimes I make excuses to not talk to her. One night she cried as she called me, telling me the tension at home is too much for her to handle. I stay silent, unable to express my feelings. All I can do is listen… as the woman who raised me to be a strong, independent young man pours her decades of frustration out into a stream of audial tears. I could not see her face, but I could picture her fragile heart in my mind as clear as ever. It was the first time that she ever cried to me. I wanted so bad to say something, but I was unable to come up with anything. Nothing has hurt me more in my life than to hear my mother cry to me. Now whenever she calls me, I fear the possibility of bad news, but I still find myself hesitant to talk to her.

I keep trying to be a better person everyday, but I have to realize that I am still human. I have found a way to work around my lack of vocal expression. I can at least show my feelings through my actions. The sole reason that I am in college and involved with so many organizations is because I want to show my family how well they raised me, so that all the pain of sacrifice they endured when they came to America will make way for relief and peace of mind. I may never get the courage to tell them this, but I can show them.

What happened in the past can only hold you down if you let it. I’ve learned not to dwell on things that I can no longer control, and try to improve the things that I can. There will still be times this semester where I will confine myself in solitude, but this is all part of my growing and learning process.